While the effort must be lauded, it needs tackling at the very root. 

First, we must acknowledge that stress amongst students is not a phenomena linked with time (i.e. just before exams); while it’s true that this stress peaks around exams, the stress felt is all-year round and needs addressing accordingly.  Stress management has to be part of our routine lives and not an incident-based, one-time exercise.

Second is the pivotal role that the parents play in the creation of this stress; don’t get me wrong, there is no parent in the world who would intentionally add to his child’s stress hence the fact that the parent group is creating and adding stress without even knowing it is worse.

It is a competitive world out there and we’ve seen and experienced it up close, so as parents we want our kids to succeed and thus avoid life’s struggles and failures, BUT at what cost?

Should the goal be, “success at any cost” or should it be that your child work towards being the best that he or she can be?

Besides what good can pressure do? Forget excelling, kids are unable to optimise even their basic potential under undue stress.

We inadvertently compare our kids with peers, give them examples of how things are different from our ‘times’; these actions on our part inculcate fear in young minds and does nothing to boost their confidence.

Till about the age of maturity, kids mostly do things to get parental approval and hence as parents we have a huge responsibility.

Whatever our kids do should be in sync with trying to discover their hidden talents and optimising their potential and not for our approval.

Besides, isn’t it a known fact that if you make a career out of what you love, you not only make a success out of it but happiness and contentment happen as corollaries?

Mind you, am not saying you molly cuddle or cushion them from the realities of life; all I’m saying is that you allow your child to discover her potential, offer unconditional love and support and encourage her to be the best that SHE can be.

After all, imagine if Tendulkar went to IIT or Madhuri Dixit became a microbiologist?

Wouldn’t the world have lost some rare talent?

Then I came across this article over my morning fix of tea; from the limited information it carried I found it rather absurd that Child Welfare Services could take your toddlers away just cause you fed them food with your hands (likened to ‘force feeding’) and tucked them in at night in bed with yourself.

If this applied in India then the jails would be insufficient to house all us ‘guilty’ parents.

Jokes apart, can there be such a world of difference between parenting in India and abroad (Norway) in this case?

I’d like to share what works with my kids and would love to know what works in your experience?

Unconditional love whereby we tell our girls that we love them but ensure that undesirable acts are pointed out, so, she is never a good or naughty girl, her acts are bad or naughty.

At the same time, we’ve set boundaries and are fairly strict when it comes to reprimanding them when they push their luck too far J

Now this may seem ‘strict’ and ‘harsh’ to some but I see that kids thrive when they know the boundaries within which they can operate and often these boundaries are set for their own safety.

The problem I often face is that of ‘plenty’; too much of consumerism has made our children value material things less and less so that every ‘gift’ is a matter of right and not really earned or deserved.

That in my opinion is a grave concern; ‘material things’ have replaced parents’ quality time in our frenzied lives.

Humans by design require touch, care and concern and nothing money can buy can replace or fill this need; proof is in the fact that despite being more ‘connected and wired’ we are lonelier; and acquiring more and more material pleasures doesn’t seem to be filling this void.  And our children are no different and besides the basic, they need us the most in their formative years to thrive and be the best that they can be.

So where does the balance lie? Will feeding you child with your hands and allowing them to sneak into bed with you make them wimps when they grow up?

Do enforcing house rules give birth to the teenage rebel? Is it really futile to inculcate value in your child considering that he will toss it out of the window under peer pressure?

The answer is in moderation; each child is unique BUT every one of us thrives under unconditional love and acceptance and a generous dollop of time from our loved ones and our kids are no different.

By making our kids the centre of our universe, parents are more stressed out than ever and more isolated from family and friends than ever. Today’s parenting strategies are a dead-end. Increased social contact not only improves parents’ quality of life, it improves their children’s wellbeing too. “We need to wake up and acknowledge that we’re not enjoying our own stressful lives, and it’s sure not helping our kids either – time to make a change,” says Code. Parents worry about chemicals in food, but when it comes to children’s health the real toxin is their stress, because kids pick up everything!

According to author David Code – Steps to raise healthier kids

-      After 5 pm turn off all screens, big and small and socialize.

-      Socialize more with other parents while kids play together.

-      Once a week dine with friends.

-      Exercise with your spouse – Build muscle and marriage too. It is easier to discuss tough topics and get emotional when one is side by side on the treadmill or jogging down the street.

-      Even a short evening stroll together is great marital maintenance.

-      A vacation every three months is helpful for a complete change of pace and a healthier family.

-      Establish the one-minute instant intimacy builder with the spouse. When both get back home from work, while changing or preparing dinner, share  ‘highlight’ and ‘lowlight’ of the day. Try to focus on one moment in time.

 Reference: http://www.lfpress.com/life/holidays/features/2011/12/20/19149601.html

-      One of the main reason students acquire homework related stress is because of poor time management. Managing time is the most important way to get work done in a college setting and to help eliminate stress. An important part of time management is prioritization and choosing what you can make time for. This may mean having to put aside hanging out with friends one day or not attending certain social events during the week. However, this means you will be able to get all of your homework done on time and won’t have to cram all your homework in last minute.

-      Procrastination is a large part of why college students get stressed with large amounts of homework they have been assigned. Students will wait too long to do their homework so that all their homework must be done in a very short amount of time. A statistic taken from YoungMoneyTalks.com is, “Over 30% of college students leave after the first year and almost 50% never graduate,” according to the Department of Education. Between money issues, homework, being bullied, and test and quiz related stress students have difficulties staying in school.

-      To get a tutor. Tutors can help students with their homework and answer questions they may have about their courses.

Reference: http://www.theracquette.com/college-life/how-to-ease-homework-related-stress-1.2621296#.TofSjE-CJe4

A University of Rochester – research is helpful in explaining why chronic stress and parenting are such a toxic mix.

The study finds that ongoing strains, like poverty or depression, disrupt the body’s natural stress response, making mothers more likely to engage in a host of problematic parenting behaviors, including neglect, hostility, and insensitivity. Stress literally changes the way a mother’s body responds to the normal demands of small children and those changes make it much harder to parent positively.

According to the researchers, the effects of stress, although has been well documented in children and linked to a variety of diseases in adults, this is one of the first studies to look specifically at stress and parenting.

- The findings point to the corrosive effects of poverty or depression on an individual’s physiology and helps to explain why people feel and act the way they do when faced with ongoing psychological or economic pressure.

- This is also the first study to measure physiological stress response in real time.

- Participants’ reactions were captured using a novel wireless electrocardiograph (ECG) monitor developed for the study by University of Rochester.

- The unobtrusive device allowed the team to analyze subtle changes in participants’ heart rhythms as they were happening, providing a non-behavioral window into how the study moms were reacting.

- Other methods, such as measuring the stress hormone cortisol, require a 20-minute delay and are not nearly as precise.

Methodology

- In the study, the researchers observed 153 mothers and their 17-to-19-month-old children in individual two-hour sessions.

- Using the wireless ECG monitor, each mother’s stress response was measured during a mildly distressing situation in which her child was left with a stranger for a few minutes.

- Later the mother and toddler were videotaped during unstructured playtime together.

Results

- The new monitor could become an important tool for measuring stress outside of the lab, the authors write. For example, it could be used in clinical settings as a kind of emotional biofeedback monitor, giving therapists a way to quantitatively gauge which therapies work best for alleviating negative emotions, according to the researchers.

- The study showed that a mother’s stress system can be compromised by becoming either overactive or underactive.

- In mothers with higher depressive symptoms, stress responses were “hyperactive,” the researchers found.

- These moms’ heart rate patterns began higher, then spiked when their toddler was upset.

- After the mom was reunited with the child, their heart rate pattern remained elevated. During the free-play sessions, mothers with hyperactive stress responses engaged in the highest levels of hostility with their toddler, including derogatory comments, angry tone of voice, and rough physical interaction.

- Although the popular image of depression is of someone who is listless and sad, the study confirms what clinicians have long observed: that depression in mothers sometimes is linked to harsh, highly reactive parenting, not subdued mothering. This study helps to explain the biological basis of such behaviour; the stress response systems of moms suffering from depression are on high alert, oversensitive to social stressors and unable to calm down.

- By contrast, study participants who struggled with poverty and lived in high-crime neighborhoods exhibited underactive, or “hypoactive,” stress response systems. Their heart rate patterns began lower and rose little during their child’s distress. During free play, these parents showed the highest levels of disengagement along with intrusive parenting. Although instructed to play with their children, these mothers were more likely to ignore their little ones and not respond to children’s bids for attention or play. When they were engaged, mothers with hyporesponsive stress activity were overbearing.

- The researchers argue that the dampened physiological response to a child’s anguish results from the “cumulative wear and tear … of living in poverty and dangerous neighborhoods.” Faced with threats and concerns on a daily basis, these moms’ stress systems simply become overwhelmed, concludes the researchers.

Reference: http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/how-chronic-stress-short-circuits-parenting-131341238.html 

Educators, parents all agree, children are pushing and pushing, to try to do it all. Most of the times losing track of what’s important, need is to accept the fact that no one can be good at everything unfortunately right from the nation to the family members decides that every child has to be good at everything.

It is time that we realise the below mentioned points and act accordingly to make this world a less stressful place for the children:

• Children are getting bombarded with many things from different directions, school, sports, extracurricular activities.

• St. Margaret Parish, Piombino, currently youth minister, was involved with teenagers in the area of youth ministry for over 20 years, a parent of three children ages 21, 19 and 16 years old, said that the demands come not only from an academic perspective but also from extracurricular activities including various clubs and sports and all the cultural and peer influences and demands.”

• It is clear that these demands are here to stay and the adults need to be working on ways to assist children with coping with the demands bombarding them on a daily basis.

• Need is that parents, educators and community leaders should pause and reflect upon the responsibilities to be shared for the healthy development of children.

• Parent and teachers should come together as a group to cut down the stress.

• Teachers should be looking at how to help students (as well as adults) cope with stress in a healthy, productive manner.

• Reflect on the parenting style and how that relates to raising healthy, well-adjusted children.

• Children should be asked just to try their best. Don’t set standards that they have to go to a certain level.

• Unfortunately all families do not work in the same manner and schools, sports groups and community organizations see this.

• Children nowadays don’t know what quiet time is, how to take time for meditation and prayer which they need to be emotionally and spiritually healthy and happy.

• Children need not “do it all”, an educator feels the children are looking up to the adults in their life, to tell them this.

• Think about the messages sent to the kids and allow them to be their true authentic self and feel good about that.

• It will be great if all kids are nurtured and provide an environment for them to grow in the areas that they are strong in and not what others think they should be.

All agreed…there is no magic solution to eradicate stress altogether.

Reference: http://madison-ct.patch.com/articles/how-can-we-help-our-children-handle-daily-stress

Some informative material useful for both, taking care of the children as well as the parent himself/herself:

-      The challenges: It’s hard to cope with the emotions a single parent and the children have about a divorce or death of a partner.

-      Other challenges one may likely face:

• Getting back to the work after being a stay-at-home parent
• Being unable to make ends meet.
• Having no one to share housework
• Not having enough time to spend with the child
• Finding adequate babysitting
• Not having time to socialize, pursue a new relationship or relax

-      Dealing with finances: An alarming number of single-parent live below the poverty level. Some parents can’t afford health insurance or medication. If individual or family counseling is needed, single parents often lack the money to pay for it. And for some parents, just food and clothes is hard to do.

-      Few suggestions in dealing financial issues:

• Put up a budget.
• Look for ways to cut back. E.g. look at how cell phones are used, buy a cheaper plan.
• Contact your state’s social services department to get information on public assistance in your area.

-      Child care worries: Finding child care is a major headache for a single parent, start by asking friends for references. Visit the day care centers before making the decision. Make sure the day care center has an open-door policy that allows parents to visit at any time.

-      Sharing the responsibilities: Get even the child to help. Assign the work and work together for 15 or 30 minutes to get things in order, this way there is time to relax together without clutter and confusion getting in the way.

-      Take care of health issues: Don’t let health be neglected due to other obligations, make sure to eat right, get enough rest and 30 minutes of physical activity each day.

-      Take care of emotional health too, find time for yourself, even if for a short time to relax with a good book, work on a hobby or unwind by listening to your favorite music.

-      Get support: Reach out to family members and friends who can take the kids off your hands for a while, drop off a meal or can do laundry for you.

-      Reach out to other single parents: Find a support group, to share ideas and thoughts with other parents who have similar problems.

-      Socialize: Find a way to get yourself out of the house and into the presence of grownups when you can.

Reference: http://www.wfmj.com/story/14490003/how-to-cope-with-single-parent-stress

Ragging – is just a word to those who have not experienced it and hence all of us will not fathom the grief of Mr Rajendra Kachroo, father of Aman, when he expresses his disappointment on the quantum of punishment.

Let us try and understand what Ragging is like?

Ragging has been defined differently

-      According to the Chambers English Dictionary, Ragging is an outburst of organized horseplay, usually in defiance of authority, riotous festivity, especially of under-graduates in British Universities, associated with the raising of money for charity.

-      According to the Reader’s Digest Great Encyclopedia Dictionary, “Ragging means a noisy disorderly conduct, annual parade of students in fancy dress to collect money for charity, playing rough jokes, or throwing into wild disorder a person’s room etc.”

-      The Hon’ble Supreme Court of India perhaps has given a more comprehensive meaning of ragging as under: “Ragging is any disorderly conduct, whether by words spoken or written, or by an act which has the effect of teasing, treating or handling with rudeness any student, indulging in rowdy or indisciplined activities which cause or are likely to cause annoyance, hardship or psychological harm or to raise fear or apprehension thereof in a fresher or a junior student and which has the effect of causing or generating a sense of shame or embarrassment so as to adversely affect the psyche of a fresher or a junior student.”

Ragging in recent years has transcended all of the above definitions; there have been umpteen instances of students leaving college, studies, suffer a scarred psyche for life or even commit suicide.

Ragging today borders on lowest form of humiliation!

Have you ever been humiliated? I am sure, yes!

How did you feel then?

I am sure that is one instance you would rather not remember; but however hard you may try, it is not humanly possible to forget that humiliation!

For those fortunate of us, who have never been humiliated, please read on…

“A leading researcher on humiliation, Dr. Evelin Lindner, defines humiliation as “the enforced lowering of a person or group, a process of subjugation that damages or strips away their pride, honor or dignity.” Further, humiliation means to be placed, against ones will, in a situation where one is made to feel inferior”. One of the defining characteristics of humiliation as a process is that the victim is forced into passivity, acted upon, made helpless.” Johan Galtung, a leading practitioner, agrees with Lindner that the infliction of humiliation is a profoundly violent psychological act that leaves the victim with a deep wound to the psyche.

Reference: http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/Humiliation/

All of above, put together, is what a victim of ragging undergoes, today. One can now understand why students leave colleges they entered against fierce competition; give up careers for which they dreamt all their life or even end their life because they cannot take the humiliation any more or face their family afterwards.

Despite four state legislations in India that prohibit ragging and two landmark Supreme Court judgments prohibiting ragging, ragging continues unabated because average Indian does not understand the agony faced by the victim and misery of the family.

Till there is mass protest against ragging, there is faint hope that it will stop!

Dr C H Asrani

The first ‘must-watch’ in my list is the animation film ‘Ratatouille’.

Short synopsis of the tale: would you even step into, let alone eat a meal that is cooked by a rat? This story is just that:  a heart-warming tale of a rat who wants to be a chef against all odds (family disapproval, failures and heartache and his being a ‘rat’).  What our children (and we) can learn from the tale:
Unconditional self acceptance: the lead character, Remy does not let the fact that he is a ‘rat’ come between his dream to be a great chef; his efforts, trials and tribulations are focussed towards this one passion; he even overcomes his family’s disapproval to reach his goal.

Importance of hard work and never giving up: Remy faces several obstacles and failures in his quest and although he is often sad and dejected, he never gives up; he takes failure and hardships in his stride and does his best to overcome them.

Risk taking: what more can one say about an impossible dream of a rat wanting to be a chef and doing all he can to make that dream a reality.  If you don’t try, how will you ever know?

The above life lessons have a better chance of appealing to children if they are linked with an incident in their lives; for example, a young girl likes to play basketball but doesn’t make it to her school team and thus gives up; connecting this incident to the tale where Remy doesn’t give up when he fails would surely help establish this very vital life lesson that giving up or running away is never the solution.

Happy watching and I hope that we too can learn or revisit some important life lessons.

The stumbling block continues to be acknowledging and accepting that your child had LD and needs special care; ironically, the main problem is not that the child has LD but that the parent is unable to accept the same; counselling (for the parent) is a must in such cases.
Your child (irrespective of disabilities) cannot thrive unless he has YOUR unconditional love, acceptance and support; without these key ingredients there really is no hope and therefore no help.