Stress Management » Parenting

19 Feb 10, Friday: fairytales and children – part 2.

priyankac — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 10:10:04 +0000

Would like to start this series with tales that help children understand rational concepts; this way, as we go along, you (the reader) will soon be able to identify the kind of fiction that your child would benefit from.

The first ‘must-watch’ in my list is the animation film ‘Ratatouille’.

Short synopsis of the tale: would you even step into, let alone eat a meal that is cooked by a rat? This story is just that: a heart-warming tale of a rat who wants to be a chef against all odds (family disapproval, failures and heartache and his being a ‘rat’). What our children (and we) can learn from the tale:
Unconditional self acceptance: the lead character, Remy does not let the fact that he is a ‘rat’ come between his dream to be a great chef; his efforts, trials and tribulations are focussed towards this one passion; he even overcomes his family’s disapproval to reach his goal.

Importance of hard work and never giving up: Remy faces several obstacles and failures in his quest and although he is often sad and dejected, he never gives up; he takes failure and hardships in his stride and does his best to overcome them.

Risk taking: what more can one say about an impossible dream of a rat wanting to be a chef and doing all he can to make that dream a reality. If you don’t try, how will you ever know?

The above life lessons have a better chance of appealing to children if they are linked with an incident in their lives; for example, a young girl likes to play basketball but doesn’t make it to her school team and thus gives up; connecting this incident to the tale where Remy doesn’t give up when he fails would surely help establish this very vital life lesson that giving up or running away is never the solution.

Happy watching and I hope that we too can learn or revisit some important life lessons.

18 Feb 10, Thursday: Learning disability (LD)

priyankac — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 09:45:51 +0000

First of all, children with learning disabilities are normal and if not more, then as gifted and talented as the rest of the kids out there; having understood and accepted this truth is perhaps half the battle won for parents of children with LD.
Raising a child with LD has its fair share of challenges and heartaches but ask ANY parent and they will tell you that raising a child is literally no child’s play (no pun intended). The worst you can do for a child with LD is ignore or deny it; studies show that children who have received the right kind of help earlier on in their lives have been able to not only cope better but maximise their potential in the long run.
The first obvious signs that parents should not ignore are delayed milestones such as speaking later than most children, pronunciation problems, trouble with letters and alphabets, slow vocabulary growth etc.
We are indeed blessed that modern medicine offers several simple tests and procedures by which physical ailments (erroneously interpreted as LD) can be ruled out; for example, a pre-schooler unable to read alphabets may simply have poor vision which prevents him from seeing what the teacher writes on the blackboard.
Having said that, if your child is diagnosed with LD, there is nothing to fear; today, we have a pool of specialists, experts and trained professionals and caregivers who can open up the world of knowledge and opportunities which were earlier not easily available for children with LD.

The stumbling block continues to be acknowledging and accepting that your child had LD and needs special care; ironically, the main problem is not that the child has LD but that the parent is unable to accept the same; counselling (for the parent) is a must in such cases.
Your child (irrespective of disabilities) cannot thrive unless he has YOUR unconditional love, acceptance and support; without these key ingredients there really is no hope and therefore no help.

17 Feb 10, Wednesday: the Times of India (‘ToI’), Tuesday, 16 Feb 10, page 21 “doting grandparents can make children obese”.

priyankac — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 05:06:46 +0000

A seemingly ‘light’ read which talks about how children who are looked after by grandparents are at a much higher risk of obesity as compared with those in the care of nurseries or other caregivers.
However, the root of this problem is much deeper and more pervasive: the problem of indulgence. Today it seems, we have misunderstood and misapplied the meaning of love as indulgence, especially when it comes to raising our children.
Fast-paced lives, busy careers, smaller-families and higher disposable incomes have slowly replaced quality time with material comforts; kids today are facing a unique problem of plenty and the more stuff we buy them, the lesser they value it.

Balance is and has been the key to life; anything in extreme will have detrimental long term effects.
A child’s formative years are akin to a building’s foundation; a weak one will succumb to the slightest pressures and crumble; nothing can replace unconditional love and quality time which our children not only require but deserve; so, the next time you see yourself taking the easy way out (using indulgence as the easy escape), stop and think of that building whose foundation is in your hands.

10 Feb 10, Wednesday: fairytales and children – part 1.

priyankac — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 10:15:41 +0000

Being a keen reader and lover of children’s fiction, I have often wondered their impact on young minds and this very thought became an idea for my new series of blogs – fiction that promote rational and irrational thinking in children – presenting the introductory chapter to this series. And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, “Speak to us of Children.”
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Khalil Gibran

These words of Khalil Gibran are the inspiration for this series of blogs; in an overtly competitive and materialistic environment, children today need to be taught rational concepts which will help them not only survive their environment but live a happy and content life.
There is an urgent need to help these young minds becoming ‘thinking’ individuals, independent of their parents so that each one of them blossoms into the ‘best’ flower that they can be and find their true ‘calling’.
As parents we need to be careful about what our children watch and read to ensure that the content does not reinforce irrational beliefs and behaviours; in the process I also hope that we too can learn or re-collect some rational concepts.

8 Feb 10, Monday: Respect !!

priyankac — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 12:45:24 +0000

Respect, sadly, a term that is myopically understood and applied especially in our culture; I am sure all of us have at some point in our lives heard the instructions ‘respect your elders’ which is often demonstrated by folding of hands or touching of feet; often, this show of respect comes with a life-long unwritten rule that respect means never arguing or having disagreements with the person you ‘show’ respect to.
The truth however, is far away from the reality; respect, if correctly understood and applied can be a key to a treasure trove of meaningful and long-lasting relationships. Simply put, respect means understanding that each one of us is unique and thus incomparable; it means unconditional acceptance and appreciation of the person for who he or she is.
And contrary to popular belief and practice, respect needs to be taught from early childhood and the best way to teach something is to practice it!

Respect your child from the day that he is born so that he not only grows up to be a confident adult but learns the value of respect and applies it to all his relationships.
As adults, we would benefit too if we made ‘respect’ the foundation of all our relationships because from respect follow love and trust; so the next time you find yourself doubting and lecturing a loved one (without real cause for concern), stop yourself and allow the person the freedom to decide and do what’s best for him and be around unconditionally if the decision does not go right. Make sure however that you don’t say ‘I told you so’

5 Feb 10, Friday: Times of India, Mumbai, page 14, Tuesday, 2 Feb 10 – ‘young, drunk and reckless at the wheel’

priyankac — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 04:55:48 +0000

An alarming number of cases of educated, working men and women causing life-taking accidents due to drunk and rash driving.

Is this an aberration or a pre-cursor to a trend where dangerous and reckless lifestyles and complete lack of regard for law and order will be the gen-next trend?How do parents and family members not see a loved one living on the edge of a self-destructive lifestyle or is it now an acceptable practice that so long as you make your own money how you live doesn’t matter? What is appalling is that in most cases the drinking and crazy lifestyle is financially supported by the parents themselves?

Does good upbringing and education solely mean that the children have a career or make money or do are we doing all that it takes to ensure that we raise respectable and responsible citizens as well? As parents it is time to introspect! Have we fulfilled our responsibility as parents? Or have we merely been ‘providers’?
There is a strong need today that children and youngsters be taught the value of discipline and accountability; we have perhaps taken the freedom that we enjoy in a country like ours for granted; if not checked in time, law may perhaps be the only way to correct this blatant and callous attitude.

It is time we understand that with freedom comes a great responsibility; a good start would be to become accountable for our actions.

3 Feb 10, Wednesday: Mumbai Mirror, Wednesday, 3 Feb 10: page 6 – “Forced into subject he disliked, Thane teen stages own ‘kidnap’”

priyankac — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 06:10:36 +0000

Parents of the 15-year old boy, who faked his own kidnapping to escape an education where he lacked interest, should be thankful that their child did not resort to suicide as most others in the past have.
Having said that, what this teen did was irresponsible and equally and reckless; however, I’d like to focus here on the dire desperation that would lead a 15-year old to take such a crazy measure.
Parents have to ask themselves whether their children’s choice of career be based on the child’s aptitude, talent and liking or should it be driven by the parents’ aspiration.
At the end of the day, this child will spend the maximum time of the best years of his life at work; don’t we want him to be a happy working person?
It is a proven fact that of we like what we are doing, we will excel at it, hence a career which is based on talent and liking becomes a passion and not a life-long drudgery. Lack of job satisfaction today is one the major causes of depression amongst professionals and when we think about it, most of these cases could have easily been avoided had the youngster been given a choice to make his own informed decision.

We have to stop seeing children as our possessions and give them the freedom to choose their path; kids are from us and not for us and as parents it is our duty to give them unconditional love and support so that each one of these buds have a fair chance at becoming the flower that they are destined to be.

Mumbai Mirror, page 8, Saturday, 30 Jan 10 – ‘Desperate to win fashion show, students assault two classmates’

priyankac — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 04:30:51 +0000

This news piece where a group of college students beat up two fellow-students who were strong contenders in a fashion show had all the alarm bells ringing.

The future of our country stands in jeopardy as the reason for crimes by youngsters are getting dangerously trivial.
In this case, what caused these 20 year olds to resort to such mindless violence is perhaps this current mantra: “success no matter what”.

While the world is getting increasingly competitive, the competitors themselves are displaying absolute disregard for fair play and tolerance. It seems that all that matters is success; how one achieves it is irrelevant. Perhaps, it’s the parent and teacher group that unknowingly fosters this overly competitive spirit; while our intention in doing so may be honourable, the outcome certainly isn’t!
Children from the very onset need to be taught that without hard work and fair play, success has no worth; encourage them to give their best shot and avoid comparisons with peers.

Let them know, that they have your unconditional love and support whether they succeed or not; a lot of children succumb to pressure and competition because they do not want to let their parents or teachers down; teach them that failure is part of success and that giving their best effort is what matters the most.
Failures are an integral part of life; we need to prepare our youth to take failure in their stride and not succumb to it.

This integral training starts at home and needs to be carried forward by the teacher group; all efforts should be towards creating a youth base that values hard work and maximises potential and doesn’t literally ‘kill’ competition.

Mumbai Mirror, page 14, Thursday, 28 Jan 10 – ‘Boy, 14, kills parents over chores row’

priyankac — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 06:21:41 +0000

A 14-year old, teenager kills his parents in a pre-planned, cold-blooded manner; stays overnight with the bodies playing video games and expresses no apparent remorse the next day.

Setting aside, just for a moment, the reasons why such a young child would commit such a heinous crime, I ask myself whether there are any early warning signs that could help us identify and help someone with such extreme aggression or should I just assume that the child had psychopathic tendencies and hence would have eventually done something like this?

Aggression amongst children is on a rise; blame it on over-exposure to media or lack of quality time with parents and loved ones; the truth is that children today are showing strong aggressive tendencies.

One of the key causes is that kids’ today get everything far too easily; material things and comforts are literally served on a platter by indulgent parents and over-indulgent grand-parents.
While the elders see this as an expression of their love, what they fail to realise is that this over-indulgence leads to low-frustration tolerance in kids even as young as 2-3 years.
The result: they can’t stand it when you say No! And can we blame them?
All their demands must be met else what follows is a tantrum and we worsen the cycle by giving in, time and again.

This inability to accept ‘no’ for an answer becomes part of the child’s persona and shows up in the form of an ill-temper, a passive-aggressive attitude, substance abuse and addiction and even violence.

As parents, we all want to give our child the best; give yours a healthy mix of material comforts and love and strong values.

Do not hesitate to seek professional help if you see signs of aggression in your child.
Also, if there has been a sudden death of a loved-one, a separation or divorce, any other loss or grief which could have impacted your child, make sure to seek counselling as children are often unable to rationally deal with such incidents and form distorted views of the same.

Bombay Times, page 1, Friday, 22 Jan 10 – ‘Parent trap’

priyankac — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 07:21:01 +0000

A heartfelt, detailed and candid view on the recent spate of student suicides in the country from one of India’s leading filmmakers, Karan Johar.

A large majority of parents I am sure, loved and applauded the film ‘3 Idiots’ and agreed that the message the film gave is the ‘need of the hour’.
Parenting however is tricky business with ALL parents wanting nothing but the ‘best’ for his child.

The issues with parenting however are deep-rooted; it is embedded deep in the Indian psyche and often as parents we are unaware of the pressure that we put on our children. How can we aware when we haven’t seen any better?

And what we are unaware of, we can’t change!
Ask most parents whose children come in for counselling and they are bound to say “but we never put pressure on him”.

Here is a brief, ‘must-do’ exercise for all parents of school-going, especially teenaged children:

•    Starting today, become consciously and completely aware of the conversations that you have with your child – ask yourself whether you inadvertently mention another sibling getting better marks or compare your child’s capability and performance with your neighbour or relatives’ child?
Pay special attention to your tone when you discuss contentious issues with your child; ask yourself if you are open to listening to your child’s views (even if they differ completely from yours) or is your parenting style dictatorial?
•    Are you aware of the things that your child does for pure entertainment and I am not talking about the various ‘hobby’ classes that your child is enrolled for.
•    Do you know your child’s key strengths and weaknesses? If your child is creatively inclined, have you taken active interest in exploring this avenue as a future career option with him? Or are your conversations merely academic oriented?

A child’s core foundation is laid at home by his parents and if that foundation is strong it will be able to withstand many pressures; the above exercise is an attempt in that direction.

As parents we have our work cut out and its time that we start introspecting and making some vital changes at our end so that our kids get that strong foundation which will hold them in good stead life-long.