Psychologists see it as a stress cycle. The stress at work causes stress at home, and then the stress of neglecting home affects the person’s work performance and further increases their stress at work. In this economy, people are working around the clock so it appears that personal things (that they should be able to do) seem to interfere with their job performance.

Right now some people have the responsibilities of 2-3 different roles. Their job day starts earlier and ends later, and everyone has one, if not two cell phones. People are working so much that they don’t have the time and energy to maintain work-life balance and healthy relationships.

When things get out of balance and their personal relationship becomes stressed, that stress will seep into their work life. It seems that personal responsibilities are impinging upon work because work has become so demanding that it prevents people from getting home early to spend time with family or from having time during the day to call their significant other.

Here are seven tips for ways to keep the stress of work out of your home life:

- Leave Some Stressful Issues At Work: You can’t rehash every annoyance or major problem with your partner every day or all you will do is sound like you’re constantly complaining. Be selective about which story you want to share and which experiences you will keep to yourself.

- Start the Evening with Quiet Time: Everyone should have a chance to get in the door and unwind from their own stress at work before being hit with a laundry list of their partner’s issues.

- Limit Stress Talk: Limit the amount of time to discuss what’s stressing you. Sometimes we have rolling conversations about stressful things throughout the night. Have the conversation once and avoid revisiting it unless absolutely necessary.

- Balance the Negative with Positive: Spend as much time talking about non-stressful things or being affectionate as you spend stressing out. Leave your partner with a positive feeling about you.

- Listen As Much As You Talk: If you want your partner to listen to you when you’re sharing your concerns, then be sure to listen to your partner when they’re sharing theirs. Things go better if eye contact maintained, nodding and commenting is shown to agree or react to what they’re sharing. Listening while staring at the TV or reading your mobile device makes the partner feel ignored.

- Share with A Friend: Our significant others tend to be our best friends, and so we want to tell them everything that we go through both personally and professionally.
Sometimes we don’t realize when that is becoming overwhelming or just too much info in too little time. If you have a good friend, sometimes you can decide to share with that person and not bring your every concern home to your partner.

- Disconnect Electronically: So many of us are glued to our phones and computers but at some point we need to disconnect for the night and relax, especially when you need time for yourself and to spend time with your spouse and kids. You can’t keep taking calls and reading emails through dinner, in the bathroom, in the bed and in the middle of a bedtime story. Choose a cutoff time to put your phone to bed and/or limit the amount of time you spend on the phone/computer so that you have time to take care of home. I know everyone needs to do what it takes to keep their jobs, but at the same time you won’t be successful at work if you’re falling apart from stress and your home life is crumbling around you. When you get home from work, try to manage your time and communications about work in a balanced way so that you can use your time at home to relax and recharge, not just rehash the day and keep the stress going.

Reference: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-michelle-callahan/tips-for-managing-work-stress_b_1000290.html

It seems that even if it were possible to banish stress from the lives of newlyweds, doing so might not be all to the good.

New Research

-      Suggests that in handling moderate doses of stress early in marriage, couples gain practice with stress that should help them surmount the tougher forms of it that may enter their future lives together.

-      Knowing they successfully have navigated stressful developments in the past gives couples needed confidence when stress arrives yet again on their doorstep, according researchers in the Department of Human Development and Family Sciences at the University of Texas in Austin.

-      For newlyweds, “a number of stressors tend to accompany the transition to marriage” such as relocation, starting a new job or completing educational programs.

-      It generally is thought that stress harms the quality of a marriage, researchers observed in a just-published report in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. “Traditionally,” they add, “it has been argued that stressful contexts render preserving a healthy relationship more difficult.”

-      But researchers go so far as to say that “beginning a marriage with little to no stress robs the couple of the opportunity to put their relationship resources to the test, and this can leave couples at risk for marital declines when future stressors, such as the transition to parenthood, are encountered.”

-      For newlyweds “who possess adequate initial resources for coping” with stress (that is, couples who begin with good communication abilities, supportive social networks, a willingness to see things from the other’s perspective, etc.), the experience of moderate stress provides “a training ground in which to hone their coping responses,” the report states.

-      This experience helps couples “build additional resources for facing future stressful events.” They grow more resilient in the face of stress.

Couples Need Stress Management Skills

-      “High levels of stress” in marriage “may sap couples’ energy and drain coping resources,” the researchers comment.

-      It is “important for couples to understand how stress may seep into marriage.”

-      Much of the study suggests that under conditions of high stress, the stress may overwhelm couples’ skills, even for couples who generally exhibit good relationship functioning.

Result

-      “Marriages may benefit if couples work on improving their stress management skills” in order to prevent stress from spilling over harmfully into their marriage.

-      Stress management skills reflects concern that couples experiencing high levels of stress often fail to utilize the communication or conflict-resolution skills they may have learned.

-      Some researchers find it ironic that “the very times when spouses need their relationship skills the most may be precisely the times when it is most difficult to draw upon those skills.”

-      “If stress drains couples of energy and self-control resources, it will be that much harder for couples to ‘do the right thing’” in the face of stress, for example, not to “snap back when a partner is short with you, etc).”

-      When stress impedes a couple’s “capacity to engage in the behaviors they know to be beneficial for the marriage,” they may need to add stress-management techniques to their basic communication skills.

-      These skills encompass awareness of the sources of their stress.

Couples Should Identify Outside Stressors

-      Often, the stress that spills over into a marriage really comes from outside the marriage; perhaps a husband’s or wife’s work is the source of the stress.

-      “As a first step toward successful stress management, couples may benefit from insight into how stressors encountered outside of the marriage may influence their thoughts and behaviors within the marriage.”

-      It is important that couples “identify the stressors surrounding their marriages” and “recognize the ways stress may influence” them as a couple.

-      The need is to “equip couples with better coping skills for managing or even reducing their stress,” as well as the need to “ensure that couples gain practice applying these skills to small stressors.”

-      A challenge posed for couples by this research – the challenge is to realize that all couples experience stress, and to take stress seriously, and to ready themselves as much as possible to cope with it.

-      But the good news seems to be that the practice newlywed couples gain with small and moderate levels of stress may have a certain “inoculation” effect. It can build up their defenses against future stress and help prevent stress from damaging their happiness.

-      Researches propose in their report that “weathering small challenges can enhance the durability of the marriage over time.”

Reference: http://foryourmarriage.org/how-stress-can-help-a-marriage

]]> http://www.stressmanagement.in/blog/2011/10/how-stress-can-help-a-marriage/feed/ 0 http://www.stressmanagement.in/blog/2010/11/times-of-india-11th-nov-2010-carried-a-news-item-%e2%80%9call-four-accused-held-guilty-of-ragging-aman-kachroo-to-death-%e2%80%9d/ http://www.stressmanagement.in/blog/2010/11/times-of-india-11th-nov-2010-carried-a-news-item-%e2%80%9call-four-accused-held-guilty-of-ragging-aman-kachroo-to-death-%e2%80%9d/#comments Mon, 15 Nov 2010 04:56:19 +0000 chasrani http://www.stressmanagement.in/blog/?p=210 Times of India 11^th Nov 2010 carried a news item “All four accused held guilty of ragging Aman Kachroo to death” and went on “A sessions court today convicted four medical students accused of ragging their junior Aman Kachroo to death in Himachal Pradesh last year”.

Ragging – is just a word to those who have not experienced it and hence all of us will not fathom the grief of Mr Rajendra Kachroo, father of Aman, when he expresses his disappointment on the quantum of punishment.

Let us try and understand what Ragging is like?

Ragging has been defined differently

-      According to the Chambers English Dictionary, Ragging is an outburst of organized horseplay, usually in defiance of authority, riotous festivity, especially of under-graduates in British Universities, associated with the raising of money for charity.

-      According to the Reader’s Digest Great Encyclopedia Dictionary, “Ragging means a noisy disorderly conduct, annual parade of students in fancy dress to collect money for charity, playing rough jokes, or throwing into wild disorder a person’s room etc.”

-      The Hon’ble Supreme Court of India perhaps has given a more comprehensive meaning of ragging as under: “Ragging is any disorderly conduct, whether by words spoken or written, or by an act which has the effect of teasing, treating or handling with rudeness any student, indulging in rowdy or indisciplined activities which cause or are likely to cause annoyance, hardship or psychological harm or to raise fear or apprehension thereof in a fresher or a junior student and which has the effect of causing or generating a sense of shame or embarrassment so as to adversely affect the psyche of a fresher or a junior student.”

Ragging in recent years has transcended all of the above definitions; there have been umpteen instances of students leaving college, studies, suffer a scarred psyche for life or even commit suicide.

Ragging today borders on lowest form of humiliation!

Have you ever been humiliated? I am sure, yes!

How did you feel then?

I am sure that is one instance you would rather not remember; but however hard you may try, it is not humanly possible to forget that humiliation!

For those fortunate of us, who have never been humiliated, please read on…

“A leading researcher on humiliation, Dr. Evelin Lindner, defines humiliation as “the enforced lowering of a person or group, a process of subjugation that damages or strips away their pride, honor or dignity.” Further, humiliation means to be placed, against ones will, in a situation where one is made to feel inferior”. One of the defining characteristics of humiliation as a process is that the victim is forced into passivity, acted upon, made helpless.” Johan Galtung, a leading practitioner, agrees with Lindner that the infliction of humiliation is a profoundly violent psychological act that leaves the victim with a deep wound to the psyche.

Reference: http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/Humiliation/

All of above, put together, is what a victim of ragging undergoes, today. One can now understand why students leave colleges they entered against fierce competition; give up careers for which they dreamt all their life or even end their life because they cannot take the humiliation any more or face their family afterwards.

Despite four state legislations in India that prohibit ragging and two landmark Supreme Court judgments prohibiting ragging, ragging continues unabated because average Indian does not understand the agony faced by the victim and misery of the family.

Till there is mass protest against ragging, there is faint hope that it will stop!

Dr C H Asrani

Sadly so, because if there is one truth, it is that people cannot be categorised; agreed that our culture and experiences mould who we are as people but generalisations take away from us a vast, second-to-none chance of discovering people and cultures.The full-page, UTV Bindaas press ad is an important, albeit small step towards an effort to change this perception.

The bold, matter-of-fact way in which the youth challenge our stereotypes is what I’d call a pleasant jumpstart; teenagers wearing their ‘typical’ rebellious attitude glare at us from this full-page ad and tell us that just because they are ‘bindaas’ we dare not slot them as immoral, careless or non-believers.

It’s time we stopped judging a book by its cover; in fact it’s time we stopped judging at all and started challenging our perceptions and generalisations which are often largely based on the external.

Let’s now hope that the channel matches its content to this very refreshing ideology.

Respect your child from the day that he is born so that he not only grows up to be a confident adult but learns the value of respect and applies it to all his relationships.
As adults, we would benefit too if we made ‘respect’ the foundation of all our relationships because from respect follow love and trust; so the next time you find yourself doubting and lecturing a loved one (without real cause for concern), stop yourself and allow the person the freedom to decide and do what’s best for him and be around unconditionally if the decision does not go right.  Make sure however that you don’t say ‘I told you so’

Counselling or psychotherapy is most effective when the mind is calm; in either extreme states of mind (hyper or placid) our capacity to make rational decisions is low, hence the first step in the counselling process is to help the counsellee come out of this extreme emotional state; Yoga certainly is one such means to this end!
Tried and tested, the asanas and pranayam techniques not just help in relaxation but also aid in deep inner reflection. Another interesting facet was the involvement of the participants in the entire process of counselling as against the much practiced approach where the ‘doctor’ speaks and directs and the client listens; counselling is a process where the counsellor helps the counsellee solve his own problems; the key belief here is that each one of us have an innate ability to problem-solve; sometimes due to the environment and our emotional state we are unable to think straight and that’s where the counsellor or psychotherapist comes in.  Modern counselling is a two-way street and a collaborative process.

The clincher in this piece however was the reiteration that “the lessons that you learn are for yourself and not your spouse, so change yourself first!”
The crucial step to change, growth and a better life is acknowledging our flaws and shortcomings and first making some deep changes in ourselves.

What then makes celebrity marriages different from ‘regular’ ones?   

It would be fair to say that celebrities (especially actors and sportspeople) by virtue of their profession not only live under close public scrutiny but also have (as compared to the rest of us) many more instances and possibilities where temptation to cheat on a spouse is high.
Yet, it is ironic that in a society where infidelity runs high, one of the top reasons for divorce is FIDELITY!!

Fidelity therefore is a thread that is common across most marriages; having said that, celebrity marriages do require more work and effort as would marriages between individuals who have high pressure or and jobs that require long hours of work or extensive travel; these come with their own set of challenges.

Marriage per se requires work and life-long effort; this effort becomes a joy when both partners respect and love each other and share common values and goals in life.  Taking the time to understand and appreciate your partner’s profession, background and culture too goes a long way in cementing this bond.

‘Sorry’ – a much used and abused word. Does accepting an apology mean forgiving the person who caused us hurt or harm?
That’s the popular myth; when someone says sorry to us and we genuinely accept it, we forgive ourselves and that is the greatest gift.

When you genuinely forgive someone you let go of all the negative feelings towards that person and make room in your heart for new feelings; feelings that will hopefully be positive and filled with love and goodness.
Forgiveness thus frees and helps the forgiver.

Do not confuse forgiveness with reconciliation; a person who repeatedly causes you hurt needs to be kept at arm’s length; such people are toxic and need help to forgive themselves first.
Not carrying anger or hatred towards such people is perhaps the best way that you can help them start this process of healing and recovery.

Think about it; the next time you say sorry or accept an apology, do so with utmost sincerity.
When we get it right, ‘sorry’ can indeed be the greatest redemption.

Is reality TV taking things too far? 
Human relationships are fragile and require constant work; something as serious as fidelity requires sensitive handling; a fiasco on national TV is certainly no way to handle private, intimate couple issues (or any other psychological issues for that matter).

Whatever happened to one-on-one communication between two people in the relationship? Isn’t communication the key to any relationship?
If one suspects the other of cheating, talking it out would seem to be a more logical solution than subjecting the other to some absurd ‘loyalty’ test.
One wonders what relationships today are based on. Certainly not trust and respect!!

Assuming that the show I’m talking about is real and not a well-orchestrated act by professionals, what would be the state of mind of the affected parties once their relationship fails these ‘tests’?  Is the emotional repercussion of all the ‘tamasha’ that unfolds on national television factored in before TRP-hungry channels and producers dole out such content?

What about the message that the viewers receive?  That is okay to lose control and abuse and get violent in case relationships go sour?  Even TV adverts that have dangerous stunts come with a warning; these shows are far more damaging especially for young, impressionable minds who get all the wrong ideas about adult relationships.
Fed on such content the seeds of relationship issues, marital discord, aggression and low tolerance are sown.

Are TV channels, producers, viewers and the censor board listening?